crazy neurotic and rational? a paradox.

i'm have a sinus infection/mono outbreak (not sure which one yet... maybe its both? shit! it could be the swine flu for all I know.) I used swine flu as an excuse to miss class earlier this semester so I'm gonna have to go to class and infect the unsuspecting masses. I'll try wicked hard to keep my germs to myself... promise! Unless I run into Big-Red then I'm afraid I'll have to infect her at all costs. I'm going to go all Amherst with his blankets on that bitch.

It might be just the sudafed talking but I might not be completely at fault for the whole phone fiasco that I ranted about earlier. He called me Saturday at 12ish...he said he would call me when he gets out. I haven't heard from him yet.

My rational mind says its ok he's just busy getting his license back today.

The crazy neurotic side of me keeps insisting that hes pissed at me for some reason that I barely understand. All I know is that I need to tell him that I'm sorry for not calling him on his birthday or my head is going to explode. It's all I can think about when my mind is actually clear which is about 40% of my day. When I'm in a sudafed/vicodin haze i still think about it but not in a way that would hint that the crazy neurotic side of me is thinking in some way that could be seen from her nutty perspective as rational. It's a nightmare. I hate boys they stress me out! aragh! I'm also not too happy with this whole sickness thing. That also sucks.

COLD (crossfade)

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold